Hell in the Hallway


I’ve heard it said that when God closes one door, He always opens another; but it’s hell in the hallway.

I’m in a hallway. A waiting room between finding something inside my body that does not belong, and finding answers. My doctor’s are working on a referral, the referral is working on insurance approval, and I am stuck waiting.

I don’t wait well.

I worry.

I google.

That makes me worry more.

Obsessive/compulsive types who are prone to worry — aka, people like me — should not be allowed to Google. Seriously. There are nasty things on google. Things that talk about survival rates, and stages, and symptoms and …

Oh how I hate the hallway.

This was Jeff’s first Easter without his Mom — he misses her and I worry that I ruined Easter for everyone by going to the hospital.

He had no one to call. And I worry about him.

I’ve decided it’s just a fibroid. A very big fibroid. And I’ve decided that since my white blood count was good, I must be right. Still. I have something that does not belong and I want it to go away.

So, since I have this thing growing inside of me, I decided to name it.

That only seems right. I named it Fred.

Jeff doesn’t like the name Fred and suggested we name it Georgetta.

Should I be worried about that? Laughter.

I told him I was thinking about making a sock puppet named Georgetta.

He didn’t laugh.

Now it’s HIS turn to worry about my coping skills.

I’m coping just fine. I just like it when he raises his right eyebrow up really high and rubs his beard.

THAT is funny!

I hate the hallway.

What do you guys do in the hallway? How do you keep from worrying when you can’t control the situation?

7 thoughts on “Hell in the Hallway

  1. Thank you Sandra… yeah I didn’t like this either… it was raw when I wrote it. God controls every aspect, including hallways.. AND my assertion paid off… only took three hours to get my referral.. I’m set to see a specialist next week.

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  2. Yeah, Jeff lost both parents to cancer within two years of eachother — with Mom just this February. I’ve avoided the C word around him. And for my own sanity I guess. This whole thing is showing me how utterly controlling I can be even in the midst of something I cannot control. I keep telling myself, and God that I have plans this year and my plans do not include cancer. I want to travel, I’m learning comedy, and want to take cooking classes etc… I’m trying to avoid the whole “no fair!” tantrum that is just beneath the surface of my heart.

    The upside? I’ve gotten really really assertive with my doctor’s office. read “pain in the tush” assertive. and when all is said and done, I am changing primaries. I have been in there numerous times over the past year or so complaining of stomach pain and wierd symptoms and I feel like she wrote me off as borderline depressed and menopausal. trying not to get really mad at her right now, or that will get me to the bottom of the pile — I know how that works.

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  3. I had a scare with a tumor (actually there were two) that was found in by breast. Funny thing is…I FOUND THEM on the mammograms. I had requested the films (actually demanded) because the location I went for my yearly checks suddenly became very “unfriendly” so I wanted to change to another facility. Each year, I had gotten a “No abnormality” report, but looking at the films, I saw something that did not look rught. year 1 it was the size of a pencil eraser. By year three, it was the size of my thumb (lengthwise). I said nothing about it at the new facility. I had my test and before I made it back to the office, they had called for me to come right back in for more tests. I have a high family history risk for cancer…and the new radiologist did not like what he saw. I had the tumor(s) removed two days later. The results did not come in for over a week! Talk about a vivid and wild imagination taking free reign! Thankfully to God, it was not cancer. (and the other facility should also be thankful!). But they still watch that spot very closely.
    Rena

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  4. When the doctors found a spot on my lung a year ago last fall, I had my bouts of fear and depression and anxiety. I told my pastor what songs I wanted sung at my memorial if it came to that. I tried to stay upbeat for my family but deep down I was scared.

    What kept me sane was singing praises all the time because I learned that Shabach is the praise of thanksgiving for the result after the trial is over. It is the loudest of praises because it is the most heart reching as you are giving your all to a God who is in control and you aren’t.

    God is a gracious God. The good news, I was healed of the spot because the c scan showed nothing that the first x ray had shown. The doctor who read both walked in the exam room scratching his head and asked “Why are you here?”

    Again with the shingles and the thought of losing my eye last year I felt the same type of fear and depression as I couldn’t go anywhere or do anything. It hurt to move and to even see anything. So I listened to praise cd’s and sermons of pastors day in and day out and learned again how God’s plan is so much greater then our own. Someone walked in obedience a week before the shingles showed up and prayed over me for a fear that had been plaguing me for years to be removed and it was. It blessed me to know that a person who had never met me before was told that she would be used by God to pray over me and she was obedient.

    Pray and ask God to show you things during this time that you wouldn’t be looking for at any other time. He doesn’t cause illnesses, and during the times we are going through them its a slap in the enemy’s face to turn the praise to our Creator.

    Praying for you Deana and for God has in store for you.

    Cheryl

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